Author Topic: Jokes section  (Read 22223 times)

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2430 on: March 16, 2016, 11:37:30 AM »
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got ?9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's ?1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2431 on: April 06, 2016, 02:15:08 PM »
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'  St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.  

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in  South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2432 on: June 27, 2016, 09:57:03 AM »
One of my friends has bought tickets to go to the Isle of Man to watch the

senior TT race.

The problem is he bought the tickets a year ago and has since arranged

his wedding and not realised the dates clashed. He has asked me to see

if I know anyone who wants to take his place.

The Wedding is at St Peters church at 2pm and all paid for, you just

need to show up and he assures me she'd make a good wife.
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Pug

  • Coffin Dodger
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2862
Jokes section
« Reply #2433 on: June 28, 2016, 11:04:08 AM »
Today the Forum God

Tommorrow the World will be under my Influence :wink:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2434 on: June 28, 2016, 12:13:27 PM »
Does that make them a "Honda Pan"?
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline user name

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4454
Jokes section
« Reply #2435 on: June 28, 2016, 04:22:50 PM »
Quote from: Goose;441643
One of my friends has bought tickets to go to the Isle of Man to watch the

senior TT race.

The problem is he bought the tickets a year ago and has since arranged

his wedding and not realised the dates clashed. He has asked me to see

if I know anyone who wants to take his place.

The Wedding is at St Peters church at 2pm and all paid for, you just

need to show up and he assures me she'd make a good wife.

im in !
whiskey throttle with a dash of premature acceleration

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2436 on: July 28, 2016, 11:49:35 AM »
http://www.danopsal.com/jogstrap

Very good video... office safe (kinda?)
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2437 on: August 09, 2016, 10:22:10 AM »
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was
filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2438 on: August 23, 2016, 11:10:03 AM »
My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Frozen Carburettor
« Reply #2439 on: October 05, 2016, 09:30:04 AM »
> People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
> positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
> frozen carburetor.
>
> Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper
> on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The
> biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face
> helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
>
> ?What?s the matter? asked the Trooper.
>
> "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
>
> "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
>
> "I can't," said the biker.
>
> "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."
>
> The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
> Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
>
> A few days later, the local State Troopers? office received a note of
> thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my
> daughter Jill..."
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Goose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2474
Jokes section
« Reply #2440 on: November 09, 2016, 09:35:59 AM »
Good thinking ...
A Pole, a Black, a Muslim and an Englishman were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared. "I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."
Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish.”
The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa."
Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline .
The Pole said, "I wish for enough Range Rovers to take all my people back to our homeland, Poland!"
Poof! It was done! Row after row of Range Rovers appeared on the beach.
The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries"
Poof! It was done! Ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Englishman, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?
The Brit watched as the loaded Range Rovers began moving toward the Channel, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
The Englishman said, "Just give me a Pint. It doesn't get any better than this!"
JUST CHILLIN !!!!! :lol:

Offline Froudy

  • Creaky Moderator
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13718
Jokes section
« Reply #2441 on: November 09, 2016, 01:32:45 PM »
Good one Goose:lol::lol:
Assumption is the mother of all Fuckups

Offline Froudy

  • Creaky Moderator
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13718
Jokes section
« Reply #2442 on: November 19, 2016, 02:25:19 PM »
Buck House Refurb.
The voices made me do it..Honest Your Royal Highnesses:lol::lol:

Assumption is the mother of all Fuckups

Offline Froudy

  • Creaky Moderator
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13718
Re: Jokes section
« Reply #2443 on: March 28, 2017, 12:51:33 PM »
True Love.

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. 
 
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. 
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. 
 
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 
 
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
  Could we please do it one more time?' 
 
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
   
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch  and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
 
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
  'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
 
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
 
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
 
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
 
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
 Do you think we could...'
 
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough.
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Assumption is the mother of all Fuckups

Offline Froudy

  • Creaky Moderator
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13718
Re: Jokes section
« Reply #2444 on: January 09, 2018, 05:34:11 PM »
A Happy Life?

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.
 
He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
    or you could end up dead like me.     
Assumption is the mother of all Fuckups