How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

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Jamz
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How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by Jamz »

Taking calls from members of The Public all day long has its rewards. When you help some nice old lady you can get a genuine warm fluffy feeling inside.

When that little old lady is screeching at you unintelligibly, however, things aren’t quite so rosy.

So here I will give you a few tips that you can try when you have to call up a company so that they are less likely to want to grab you by the eyelids, swing you around and smash your stupid face into the edge of a table.

Have A Pen & Paper Ready
You would be amazed. If you call up somewhere in order to get a name/number etc, don’t act all fucking surprised when the person you’ve called gives you the info for you to write down! It’s kind-of the whole reason you called them in the first place?

Inevitably the pen won’t work when they give you the number anyway, but at least by having a non-working pen you’ve made some fucking effort. And not made me want to slap the eyebrows off your face.

Keying The Number Into Your Phone
Yes, it’s fine to do this, although it’s still a slow and retarded way, when you could simply write the fucking thing down, or even type it into your laptop as you speak on the phone.

No, what I’m talking about here is fucktards who will type the number into THE SAME phone that they are calling you from!

BEEP BOOP BEEP BLEEEEEP! f*** you! Straight into my giraffe ear because I’m wearing a headset and can’t escape it! You rude, inconsiderate twat!

Being Awkward
This is a huge category, and 99% of The Public fit snugly (smugly?) into it.

Database systems only work in certain ways. If you want stupid fucking cross-referenced information, want us to find an address by the colour of their front door, or are trying to search for a Legal Executive who was called Dave something in London, then don’t be surprised if you become telepathically aware of a rage-filled ‘CUNT’ coming to the fore of your mind. A bit like Batfinks Sonic Bleep, but just aimed at you, for being a Camel.

“I Want To Speak To A Manager!”
Certainly. They’ll think you’re a wanker as well, and tell you exactly the same thing I’ve just been trying to tell you.

Bonus points if you call me up and then tell me you want to speak to someone older!? Especially when you haven’t even asked me how old my 34 year old ass is!? WTF!?

This Is Your Life
Don’t blather. I don’t care about your entire life history, and how this all stemmed from your neighbour buying a blue and green budgie called Pete who had one leg shorter than the other because its previous owner, Stanley from Cheshire, who used to live in Eastleigh but moved because his Dad’s ex-wife bought a brown collie called Bella who was already 6 and rescued from a farm in…

Get to the point. I’m at work, and have to meet call length targets. I’m not here to chat to Nut-Nuts on a casual basis. Nnnghhhh!!!

Being Mental
Much as I love hearing how BBC1 and ITV3 are breaking into your house, stealing all the buttons off your coat, taking your computer, and solidifying the Satanic conspiracy of the Legal Aid system, I’ll instantly know you’re mental.

Please save everyone the time and effort here, and just do a quick check before you call anyone. It could be something as simple as asking yourself “Am I mental?”. If you can’t answer that with a definite “No”, then perhaps you should keep your conspiracy theories or dreams of marrying your sons dog to yourself?
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cargo
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Re: How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by cargo »

Good rant but you've missed something important.


My home landline number is registered with the Telephone Preference Service (TPS) this means that it is illegal to phone me and try and offer goods or services. It means that cold calling is illegal and companies that phone me can face proscution if they persist.

Thing is I still get cold calls...............not many but I still get them......................what would your advice be in how to deal with them. I know I can report them but what about the actual conversation. What tone should I take angry ? scarcastic ? polite ?

I know that I feel like grabbing the cold caller by the throat and dragging him down the phoneline for a serious beating
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Re: How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by razzcolio »

Jamz wrote:don’t be surprised if you become telepathically aware of a rage-filled ‘Camel’ coming to the fore of your mind. A bit like Batfinks Sonic Bleep, but just aimed at you, for being a Camel.

was this attacked by the swear filter or did it not make sense the first time round?
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Jamz
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Re: How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by Jamz »

cargo wrote:Good rant but you've missed something important.


My home landline number is registered with the Telephone Preference Service (TPS) this means that it is illegal to phone me and try and offer goods or services. It means that cold calling is illegal and companies that phone me can face proscution if they persist.

Thing is I still get cold calls...............not many but I still get them......................what would your advice be in how to deal with them. I know I can report them but what about the actual conversation. What tone should I take angry ? scarcastic ? polite ?

I know that I feel like grabbing the cold caller by the throat and dragging him down the phoneline for a serious beating
Luckil, I don't work in THAT sort of call centre (it's an informational contact centre, don'tcherknow! :wanker ) - so I'd say be REALLY rude. The problem with that is they might leave you on their lists just so you get pissed off when some other phone minkey rings again!

My favourite trick is to say "Yeah, I'll just go get my credit card" - then carry on whatever you were doing and see how long they stay on the line. Or fake your own murder for them.

I -ing HATE cold callers... and the twats who keep on calling me asking for previous occupants who haven't lived there for a year now and I've told them every time they've called before!!!!!!!!!!!! :smt013
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Jamz
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Re: How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by Jamz »

razzcolio wrote:
Jamz wrote:don’t be surprised if you become telepathically aware of a rage-filled ‘Camel’ coming to the fore of your mind. A bit like Batfinks Sonic Bleep, but just aimed at you, for being a Camel.

was this attacked by the swear filter or did it not make sense the first time round?
LOL yes! I forgot teh swear filter! :smt003

Batfink should have been in there, though!

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Re: How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by gavinfdavies »

So where does the damn camel come into it?! Don't get me wrong, a rage filled camel is a scary beast...

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but is that what you meant? swear filter? did you mean a C U Next Tuesday ?
I do 700 miles a week in all weathers including snow, that's roughly 35,000 miles a year, and some weekend warrior biker has the nerve to get out of his Audi at work to tell me to I was riding far too fast in the wet (over taking at 50... fast eh?).
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Re: How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone

Post by razzcolio »

lol yeh camel is c u next tues lol but is amusing to read lol
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