"And Then She Farted So Hard It Burnt My Ballbag!"
Having sex makes some fecked-up noises! There's no way to get around it!
Squelches, slapping, squidges, sucking, slurping - in fact all the 'S' words... except one:
Farting.
I'm sure just about all of us have heard these noises during sex, but most of us block them out as if they're the retard on the bus who keeps randomly shouting out "JOBBIES!!!".
Well they're not going away, and your resident Nasty Evil Ninja is here to drag sex noises kicking and screaming into the spotlight!
I don't mind laughing during sex. Most things that are enjoyable are fun, and so laughter is only natural. Some would disagree, and any laughter in the bedroom is devastating to them.
Although too much laughter is a Bad Thing, and can put you right off your stroke.
I love to hear a girls breathing - especially the way it changes when she's close to cumming. Her cry as she's almost there sends me tingly just thinking about it - and maybe even better is the involuntary cry she lets out when she's trying her best to stay quiet because there are people nearby... Sometimes she won't even realise how loud she's just been - but I will, and no chance am I going to stop! At most, if she's getting too vocal, kiss her. Kissing someone when they cum is awesome. It's like taking their orgasm... a part of their intimate soul...
Ahem, anyway!
Then there are the bad sounds! When you both get sweaty your skin can make some horrific sounds!
Ever been doing missionary and every time you thrust, your chests make farting sounds??? That's hard to ignore and keep a straight face!
Or the good old Gut-Slapping sound! Doggy style while your Mum is downstairs? *SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!* so you try to slow down but it still happens! What's THAT about???
Even turning the Family Guy DVD volume up can't hide that sound from being anything but sex-slaps!
Then there is, for want of a better name - Fanny Farts. (I fucking HATE the word 'fanny'!!! URGH!!! And the bloody Yanks think it means 'butt'!!!)
There's the old joke: What's the difference between a refrigerator and a pussy? A refrigerator won't fart when you pull your meat out!
It's gonna happen! You can't pump away at a wet hole and not expect some feedback!
They can be embarrassing enough, but what about Real Farts?!
I was once doing it missionary style. I'd carried on after the first *SPURT*, so was long-stroking it, and she was squeezing really hard... and *PARP!*
It was pretty loud, and we both sort-of stopped and looked at each other. She was mortified, and I couldn't help but laugh. She ran off red-faced and hid in the bathroom for a while, before coming back out and laughing about it.
I heard when I spoke to someones ex, that she'd done even better than that with him!
He was happily 'pumping away on that old pudding butt' (as he put it), when she let out the biggest rip-roarer he'd ever known!
He said it felt like it had burnt all the hair off his bullocks!
I've heard of a lot of people letting rip because they're so relaxed receiving oral. Personally, I don't see how that happens, and am convinced it's deliberate.
Please bear in mind, though - men farting is hilarious... if women do it it's disgusting.
And that's The Law.
