I used to like Halloween. I still do, I guess... but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!
It's a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.
OK, so that might not be true, but either way it's supposed to be scary and fun.
Did you hear that? SCARY and fun.
Sure, take your kids around to old biddie's houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon f*** is all this about:
This is your typical Halloween costume these days. Stupid toad like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and 'sexy pirates'... f*** what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween???
Ghouls... Werewolves... ok I'll give you vampires, and they can be sexy, but that's supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing! Halloween shouldn't be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid! Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this toad being forced down our (deep) throats?
So we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try and extort cash and sweets from people. We never took our parents out with us!
How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out 'Ghost Busting'* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?
And when Little Johnny's string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennants Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.
Do they still say "TRICK OR TREAT" when you answer the door, or is it just a moody "Give." these days? And what's the 'trick'?
Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with the hoodies up to look like ghosts?
At least Lill Boo will be ok this year - she lives in a flat. I don't think you can Trick Or Treat a flat, can you? They'd have to buzz you in first...
Witches... Ghosts... Spiders... Girl Scouts???
Speaking of
s, you all know I have a bit of a phobia, right? But I've always said I could overcome it if I had to and pick one up (and you nodded and smiled thinking "bullocks can you, you scared little girl of a man!")? Well last night I held my mate Tom's tarantula.Easy life. No drama at all. I was surprised that it's err... feet(?) felt very spiky.
About 10 seconds after I gave the
back, it started flicking hairs off it's abdomen and rearing up ready to bite! Bugger that!So what am I doing tonight? Well I'm off to see a Medium.
With the bike accident, I can't afford to go and see a Large...
*Ghost Busting - when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets. It was 'fun'.
