Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

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Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Jamz »

I have several incomplete blogs 'in the pipeline' (wait, does that mean 'up my butt'? If it does than that's not what I mean at all!), including at least one that will be all about the Little toad that was me.

Before I get down to all the nice, rose-tinted memories, a thread today on a bike site got me opening up. It should be noted that I seem to be the only one so far who's actually done this. Anyway, the thread was about confessing to something you did back when you were a kid that you've never actually come clean about.

It has to be said that although I got caught red handed for a lot of stuff, I also managed to, in the words of Red, "crawl through a mile fo toad and come out clean the other end".

So today, before Jesus (or some elephant-headed dude or whatever your beliefs want you to picture), I am going to confess:

The Red (Reliant) Robin

When I was around 8, I regularly had wars with Tommy Morris from down the road. I justify most of my actions because he was a greasy, stiggy kid who had a yellow dog whose mouth he used to urinate into. And he once pointed an air rifle at my head at point blank range and threatened to shoot me. Ok, ok, so that came after I'd sent him to hospital three times after splitting his head open by pistol whipping him with a metal cowboy gun (err... twice), and pushing him down a very steep grass bank on a toy tractor.

On this particular hot Summers day, we were sat on the kerb at the side of the road lobbing stones at each other. I'm not sure how we never got injured by this, but I remember this being a pretty common occurence.

Anyway, I hoofed a great big rock towards him... I should probably have mentioned that during this rock-chucking malarkey, we didn't bother going somewhere that, you know, didn't have any stray kittens or puppies who could get caught up and injured in their innocence. Or, say, your neighbours pride and joy car: a red Reliant Robin three-wheeler. How this vehicle never got overturned by hordes of jeering Big Kids during the night is beyond me. Perhaps it was actually semi-cool back in those days?

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But this big hoofing rock sailed straight towards the greasy skinned birds nest of hair that was Tommy, threatening to once again crack his skull and send him into his merry slumber towards the A&E. Except my eight year old spastic hands (this was a good 6 years before I became a Quarterback of Redditch Arrows Youth Team) flung this projectile straight into the side window of the car.

There was the moment of the whole world being silent just to amplify the sound of glass shattering, and then another brief moment as I locked eyes with Tommy in open-mouthed terror before we both legged it home as fast as we could to Dob The Other Kid in. As I'd actually thrown it, he had more reason to do this, technically - but the way I see it he was throwing stones at me too, and could just have easily been the one to smash the window. So I swore blind it was him!

Our parents were soon called, and payment for the window was made before the Police were called... I think I did have to pay for it, but I still swore it was Tommy.

Shoplifting

This was a part of growing up for most of us. One day, probably aged 10 ish, I got caught.

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All I'd done was eased some big squishy ball thing out of it's already damaged package, and as I turned for the door the shopkeepers hand fell on my shoulder, and I was led into the back room while the Police were called. I sat there bravely in defiance and blubbed like a girl until they arrived to take me home...

As it turned out, the shopkeeper had already caught about 10 other little Scrotes just like me that day, so I think I got the hard treatment. This also gave me enough ammo to claim he'd been far too jumpy and nabbed me for no reason...

I was let off with a Warning, and to be honest it put an end to a nice little shoplifting run I'd been having! Oh yes, the blow was softened a lot because I'd already nicked all the rare Action Force figures I wanted from the vehicle boxes in Macro...

A Good Deed?

Probably somewhere between the two above, I did the Good Deed of knocking on a neighbours door to tell him that one of his cars tyres was flat.

I was praised by him and my parents, but I think in the eyes of God this Good Deed was probably somewhat marred by the fact that, err... It was ME who'd let all the air out of his tyre...

Eggcellent Shot!

This story is due for a re-post because it's one of my favourites, but I'll do a quick recap here simply because there was very nearly death involved.

My big bro and I found it was very funny if we hid behind the hedge in our front garden and lobbed eggs at passersby. It was funny when an old lady got hit and started ranting that she knew who it was and she was telling our Dad - while we hid there giggling and watching her quite clearly not knowing who it was!

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So I had to take things one step further...

When the local Village Psychopath came stomping along, and my brother pleaded with me not to do it, I of course pulled off the indirect fire shot of a lifetime, and managed to hit him. I then legged it extremely quickly and left my big bro to try and convince the raving mad beast of a man that he probably shouldn't twist his head off on account of his innocence...

The Valentines Day Massacre

This one most of you should know because of my blog earlier this year.

I fancied a girl at school for ages, and when I was around 12 I finally plucked up the courage to send her a Valentines Day card. But in my twisted little mind I thought the best way to do this would be to cut the letters out of a newspaper and stick them to the card with celotape - much as you might expect a demented kidnapper to do for a ransom note.

I then compounded my idiotic numptiness by lying to her face and telling her it wasn't me when she asked... Uhhh...

I did remedy this one earlier this year by finally admitting it was me in an email that I sent to her!

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So how about you lot?

Got something you want to get off your chest?
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by RedexRobB »

Hmm a couple of times come to mind. Anyone remember my 'how to f*** over your landlord'thread?

Well, the guy really did get my goat up, and me being me being my very inventive spitefully vengeful self when i think things are wrong and decide that some 'peotic' justice is in order. Well, I use every opportuity i could to do something to him. Here they go:

Topping up his bath
Im absolutley sure he was compulsive about cleaning, he bathed twice a day, and every time he used to ask me 'Rob, do you want to use the toilet before i get in the bath?', yeah sure. Well one day he really fecked me right off and asked me this question, sure enough i took him up on the offer of using the toilet before he got in the bath. Up i go, unzip, look round at the bath and thats when the idea came that id help him out and keep his bath warm, and full, by pissing in it. This then happened regularly and become quite a pleasure at times.

To this day im not sure if he knows as i did mention it to some people who he lived with who began to feel his irritation. Either way, if i ever see him again ill be asking him 'can you smell piss in here?' ;)

Seven years bad luck
First thing in the mornign when i used to goto work, id ride past his car and kick his mirror off, wonderpupp would be proud :D


Hot seat
On another day that i had been incredibly pissed off by the landlord, i happened to notice hed left a pair of boxer shorts on the radiator to dry, just me and the girlfriend in the house and he was out for the evening. Well, my housemate chris had some chilli peppers drying on a bit of string in the kitchen. Wed also just bought a bottle of Nando's spicy marinade. Well, the inevitable happened and we thought we would rub the chilli pepper seeds and nando's marinade into the butt of the boxers. No idea if it worked, i dont even care, the amount of laughter doing it was worth it :D

This means war
And this is where i got serious, only me and the GF know this, and i was at my wits end. Over the exam period when students want some peace and quiet to study, he the ever annoying Camel decided he could revise with Oasis playing up at full volume. Well, ill teach that fucker a lesson, and i bloody well did. He went away for a weekend not long after, the day he came back he left bag just inside his door way and went out. Curiosity got the better of me and i had to look in the bag, oooo a laptop, hmmm anything incriminating on it? No, i checked. Although he had saved MSN conversations he had with girls that he no doubt fancied, and made him look the Camel i suspected he was. Anyway, switched it off and looked at the screen, and as if by magic my hand thrusted forward and smashed the screen. And as you described jamz there was a silence when something is about to break or had been broken, and there it was. Hmmm, ill put that back and forget it ever happened. About a week later i was in my room, then heard him should 'oh, no!', he come out of his room and shouted at my housemate to come up, my mouth filled with what felt like blood and a heavy feel of guilt kicked in. I knew what it was he was on about. It turned out it wasnt even his laptop, it was a friends. But i was supremely satisfied, even if i did feel guilty, that id gotten that giraffe into some sort of trouble.
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Jamz »

LOL well I was more after stories of back when you were a slightly younger kid, but they made me smile! :smt003
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by RedexRobB »

When i was about 13 i threw a stone over my house from the garden, consequently it smashed my next door neighbours rear window on his car. Of course, not being anywhere near the car at the time i couldnt be held responsible :smt003
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Scott221 »

When I was a kid. Me and my brother were out messing about by this alley by our old house which ran next to our drive way. My brother would come down the hill on his bike and I would throw stones up like fireworks. Did it once or twice, then the third time a big one landed on my dads cavalier. Totaly smashing the rear window.



I set my brothers bikes uo behined the car and told my dad my brother had skidded and stones had been thrown up against the back of his window. Smashing it into bits. I think I was around 8. Ahhh the good old days!!
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Vard66 »

Rob, damn you.

Just had me in stitches reading the topping up the bath bit...

:pmsl
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by diesel »

when i was a lad me and me brother stabbed the local lil gayboy. cut him up good lol. we denied it but got a hell of a slapping for it.

i also used to pick my toad up outta the bog and wipe it on door handles in the neighbourhood.

i set alight to the woods near me.

i attached my dads pouffe to the back of a car and went for a spin.

i took my dads V12 jag out and outrun the old bill.

i could go on all night lol
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Vard66 »

Hell's Bells, Dies...

A V12?

Must have sounded good..
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Jester7 »

Haha just read all this, classic :smt003

I remember back when I was around 12 years old and it was fairly close to fireworks night. Matey the same as me that lived 3 or house down had nicked a few decent firework rockets from his parents garage, so a group of for of us decided to go to the nearest hill and fire them off down the road. Great fun watchin them shoot off n go bang etc lol

So with one left we decided to open up a couple of large bangers and empty the contents into the last rocket. Really careful, must of took half an hour of umming and ahhing thinking we were all rocket scientists or something haha. It was getting dark so we decided to just let this one off outside maties house then scarper. Off it goes, then hits a lampost and does a neat right angle turn and ends up lodging itself under my next door neighbours front window wooshing and sparking away to itself merrily. Just as bloke next door decides to twitch his certain to see whats up outside the damn rocket explodes with a bang that even we were impressed with.
Needless to say with my usual bolthole (home) inaccessable due to Mr Angry next door it took a while before I could go back, and got in trouble anyway for being so late but probably not as much as if I'd got collered for the pyro incident! :smt003

If I recall the poor bloke had to repaint the window frame in the end....
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by RedexRobB »

Vard66 wrote:Hell's Bells, Dies...

A V12?

Must have sounded good..
XJS was a V12 i think.
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by diesel »

it was indeed. a red one it was. he sold it to some german nutter. that engine was immense lol.
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by tobomoto »

id just like to say before i confess to this particular misdemeanour that i feel no guilt whatsoever and the only thing that im upset about it the fact that the person that it happened to is probably hoping that its only hearsay, as opposed to an actual event. also it only happened a little while ago so not really a child aged confession but still a confession nontheless.

i had worked at my old company for 7 1/2 years before taking redundancy in february. i took it as i had enough of my cell leader. since my 2nd day he was constantly giving me hassle. most of the time i just ignored him but around october last year i got moved to the specials dept. basically 1 offs and special orders. for some reason he tried his best to get me in trouble at every opportunity. even when i asked him what way to weld a part up he told me the wrong way on purpose to land me in it. as said i only put up with it for so long and decided enough was enough. on my last day i went over to tescos to get the donuts as a leaving gift thingy to the people i work with. i dont know what made me do it but i took a bag containing a donut into the toilet. im sure most of you have seen the film american pie... i got a donut and had a 5 knuckle shuffle into it and placed it back into the bag. i placed it on his desk and told EVERYONE else not to eat it. being the greedy pig he is, he scoffed it down.

now some of you may think this was out of order but to me it was payback for everything he had done to me, which sent me into a downward spiral and a dark time in my life.

donut anyone?

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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by RedexRobB »

fucking quality!!! :smt005

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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by SOILZX »

You sir, are a FUCKING LEGEND!!
I BRAKE FOR CAKE!!
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Re: Confessions Of A Nasty Evil Ninja, Aged 8 1/2

Post by Jamz »

PMSL!

So was it a custard one or plain jam??

:pmsl
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