rember kids dont play with 'Taser Guns'

[rene]

was just reading this off the CRM fourm and thought you guys might enjoy

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ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little "something extra" for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

(&# %& (# %) (&#*#*)!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[masterofinsanity]

quality! i bought a electric chewing gum shock joke in majorca and boy that thing numbs ya!

[Jamz]

PMSL!!!

You would just HAVE to try it though, wouldn't you??

[rene]

yeah you would but blatantly take it down the pub with you and find the nearist drunk person you could!

[Jamz]

I remember on a school trip when I was about 10, we were visiting a farm.

I must have listened during a science lesson, or I'm just naturally Evil - but I clearly remember eyeing up the big fat school bully, making sure he was in range, then putting one hand on him before grabbing the electric fence!

*BANG*

"ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!"

I'm not sure he found it quite as funny, but I was well impressed with the lack of pain I suffered by earthing it all onot him!

[rene]

have you ever tried taking the spark thing out of electric lighters? they give some one quite a nice jump if there not expecting it..

what he used to do at school is take the flash coil out of disposible camras charge it up then get some one, it works just like a taser and WILL send you to the floor spazing out after about 2 secs

funny as f*** when some's just brought a curry for lunch

[RedexRobB]

Another good one is using a step up transformer, a step down would do just use it the other way round. Little 9V battery and your away! bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt

[rene]

i've been court by a spark plug before that stuing like a mofo

[mycallsevern]

This story reminds me of the time my mate turned up with some pepper spray, he sprayed me so I sprayed him back.

We spent the next 5 hours running around the house in pain pouring milk over our faces because someone said it would help.

What a great way to spend a Sunday!

[tng21]

oh dear this made me laugh soooo much after having a joint before i went to bed this morning. My mrs was in laughing fits just watching me crease up.

[superman]

LOL quality i know i wouldnt fancy that i pissed on an electric fence when i done my bronze D of E an that was blisteringly painful so i cant imagine how this guy must of felt. if i was him i would have done the cat lol (only jokin)